Chapter 199

After three and half years, I finally found the fortitude to put strings back on one of my beautiful guitars. There hasn’t been any stringing of the guitars since my brother died three years and nine months ago. There was just no music in me anymore. Don’t know how to explain it better than that, simply lost all interested in something I had been doing everyday for decades. Gone.

But a conflagration and synergy of events, brought me back together with two of my band mates, and they asked me to play this week . . . and I said yes. Still not sure why, but I have to admit, its been rich. The sweetness of the chords rolling off a beautifully crafted instrument, a lovely riff here and there, the magical voice of Barry singing and making it all work together. I haven’t had this much music rolling through my head in years! Ok ok I haven’t had any music rolling through my head in years so that is not saying much.

But why does grief lead us to withhold such joys in our lives? The antidote to grief is living wild full free and joyfully, right? I don’t know. While I am certainly enjoying this week of having music back in my life, most every other grief induced symptomprocesshabit I had going on pre-guitar-stringing, is still going on. 

While none of this honors my brother in any kind of meaningful way, it accurately reflects how I feel now that I am an only child - angry musicless negative and a bit morbid. I guess you have to work your way out of each one of those over time.