A mother’s day

Chapter 283

Mother’s Day 2020

Three and a half years and it still sucks. Sitting at the graveyard thinking about all that was, and can never be again. I can’t help but think that I wish I were as brave as you were, solid as you were, giving as you were. If only thinking about it would make me so. 

On the other hand, only a selfish fool would want you to have that life back, that it was at the end. So hard to let you go, but that is the only choice we had, if we really love you, and we do.

Obviously there are many others struggling in the same way today, as I have never seen this “memorial gardens” as filled with visitors as it is today. Then again, I have never been here on Mother Day before. Usually I have the place to myself so to speak, but there are  dozens of people all around me on this hillside where we laid you to rest so recently, so long ago.

I don’t like the changes we have had to make since you left us. The new normals that have come to be without you. Daddy speaks without ceasing and I say very little. Probably not good for either one of us. But we are making some headway in figuring out what life without you and brother looks like. How we can make a form of peace within the torn in fabric of our lives. I will be honest with you, I don’t like this new life many days. But you would tell me to stand up and change what I don’t like, if you were here. 

 I will try.