# Chapter 308

Still no nice stable even sleep pattern and yet, the sleep that I got was pretty good quality. I don’t feel super rested, but neither do I feel super depleted. More depleted by all the demands and tasks that I have accumulated than by the simply negation of sleep. And that is mostly happening inside my head than some objective number of things that I and only I can do and must do and should do, etc. etc.. My internal pieces are driving that bus so to speak. How to change the destination and the speed? The internal forces are one thing, but the external forces are altogether a different factor. The turns and twists and structure and geography of this journey feels overwhelming and the motor is weak and the brakes seem soft and dangerous.

Its not yet 7:00 am and I have been awake for hours and am already wishing for the evening and a return to bed and rest. Not an ideal start to the day and at least is partially contributing to the metaphoric obscure style of prose that I am writing with this morning. I feel a certain lack of substance this morning, that reality has some fog and vagueness to it that makes it less. That I am only a shadow in terms of existence, but that I have the weight of the world in terms of responsibilities. A shadow can’t bear this load and thrive. A shadow needs bright sunlight to exist most firmly, not cloudy skies heavy with rain. Where is the Son?